For years, I have been a fan of a celebrity and more and more, I keep wondering why I am? I understand the fact that I love the work this person does but why do I feel the need to want to know about the world this person inhabits?
Celebrity fanaticism is not an easy thing to endure, it is not easy being a fan of somebody. It is almost as if you are intertwined with the person. You hurt when you read offensive or hurtful things about them, you want to fight battles that they are not aware of for them, you are happy when they are, you are in the slumps when they fail at something and it almost seems that their lives are a lot more important to you than yours. It is quite crippling when you think about it, it demands a lot from you emotionally and financially.
I have been a fan of this star for more years than I care to mention and in that time, the interest in what this star is doing seem to have eclipsed my accomplishments. I was an avid reader but now, I read less because I am on the net reading about this star, reading and posting on various blogs and forums, fighting their corner with faceless, nameless and aliased posters that I have probably walked past on the streets not knowing who they are/were or people I have never met, looking for sightings on sites, blogs and forums, anticipating their next work and with all those things, my time, my hours and minutes are frittered away. Even at work, I use Google to find the latest news, I can't wait to get home and log on. This is something that I have done for years, now, years I feel ashamed to mention.
I watched a short documentary on TV last week, it was about how the internet was as addictive as drugs or alcohol, I watched a man who lived solely for the Internet try to give it up for 72 hours but couldn't and I see myself in this man. Morning, noon and night devoted to this person even as a loner that I am, it is extreme and I wonder how many people like me are out there. I have been online since midnight and it is now close to 6pm, I have been to a few sites about this person all through this period and I wonder why I do this?
I have tried to fight, conquer this thing but any attempt to not log on to fan sites every day takes me into an area of depression, I can always feel my heart getting heavier and heavier, my throat working at a lump, I feel nausea, my heart pumping and my blood getting hotter under my skin but as soon as I power up my computer, connect to the Internet and go to my favoured sites about this star, calmness is restored.
Today, I go into personal rehabilitation to heal or cure myself. I am closing a chapter on that area of my life. I still admire this individual enormously but I will do it by paying attention to the work when it is made public. I made a lot of friends at these places that I go to but real life demands more than I am giving it, if I do not stop now in my 30s when will I stop, I was a lot younger when my admiration started and it hasn't waned but if I don't stop the assimilation, exploration of information about this individual then what will I be doing in a decade? a 40-something year old still in the same spot or just barely moved on?
I hope I succeed because something tells me that it won't be easy, not at all.
Oh well.
